Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Though scared, you gotta dream and do

Hello everybody!

So here I am again, thinking about philosophical things such as dreams, drive and decisions. 
I must say I am a very lucky girl (though I must say, I'm also hard-working...) and everything I have wanted I have managed to accomplish (until now, who knows what the future will hold). Of course, that doesn't mean I haven't made mistakes or even failed miserably. I am human, you know.

What am I trying to say?
That dreams are important. It is hard and scary to just finish college, or school, and wonder what on Earth you're going to do afterwards. How do you transition smoothly from being a student, always under the care of a professor who guided you (or not), to a member of society in which you are responsible for your own actions: actions you know you're not even ready to make, not sure what they even are!
I was confused and terrified. Okay, so I was a licensed translator. I even had some work experience thanks to my part-time jobs, and I had translated a thing or two so my CV wasn't exactly empty... yet that meant little, nothing, really. 
Although my dream was coming back to Tokyo, the first thing I did was work in Spain. I looked for jobs fervently, something I could do. I didn't want to let go of my specialty (languages) although there were little to no job offers. I was living in Spain and the situation, though not as bad as presently, was pretty bleak. There was little I could do, yet I sent CV after CV and waited. And I eventually got a job as a teacher.
It was a steady job and I adored the working atmosphere, so two years went by in the blink of an eye. 
And, while steady, I started looking for more things to do. I ended up translating books, writing my own, interpreting here and there. And that is when things started getting weird... or should I say that something shook me me awake
For some reason I am still unable to figure out, I had always known I would come back to Tokyo, although I was always putting it off. I can't leave now: I've got books to write, I need more savings, my parents need me here, I'm not ready... What on Earth was I waiting for? Why did hopping on a plane scare me senseless? I love planes! I love Tokyo! I still don't know the answer. I longed coming back to Tokyo, shed tears of frustration, yet I could not make myself click the "purchase" button on travel websites. And then my friends started to emigrate. One girl went to Tokyo, then another to Osaka, and another to Tokyo again, and I was left hating my weakness. 
What on Earth was wrong with me? I was perfectly aware of what I wanted... So. What. Was. I. Doing?
I don't think I've ever been that mad at myself. I'd always had this distorted image of this Sachiko who was strong and independent and would always manage. And then and there, all of the sudden, I could only see this scared girl who was a coward. 
It was unbearable, and humbling
And then, a miracle happened. 
I was called over by a friendly man who smiled serenely and said "Would you like to work in Japan?". (It sounds dodgy and suspicious, but it wasn't, haha)
My fears didn't disappear nor did my anxiety fade. My perception of myself didn't become distorted into something I was not (I think). But something else happened. I felt hope and excitement. And I realized I had been given chance in a lifetime to change myself and actually do what I wanted to. I could either decline, because I was still insecure (what had happened to my self-esteem?), or I could dive and see what happened.
I imagine you know what the result was.

2 comments:

  1. Oh, my freaking God! You write so well!
    This entry reminds me to the first entry I wrote in my diary of Germany.
    I started writing it as soon as my landlord gave me the keys of my apartment and he left. I was home alone (my flatmates were not there yet and I didn't even know if they were men or women) and I started writing like crazy. The feeling I get everytime I reread that entry is really positive. I was a little nervous about the outcome but in reality I was also flavouring every second of the experience knowing that it was an excel.lent opportunity for me to grow up, to experiment, to become someone better, to know myself (I've always been quite a mystery).
    I hope you can feel, observe, learn and experiment as much as I did in a year. You are exactly the same age I was when I left Spain and believe me: NOW is the time to do these things, when you know how to make good use of your experiences.
    Keep us informed of your progresses!

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  2. Haha! Thank you!! I want to know how you're doing, so keep me posted!

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